A lot has happened since my post over a month ago and last nights post was merely a rant about how crappy a night I was having. Tonight I thought I'd get everyone up to speed. In the past month I've had a baby, recovered from it with a few minor complications, but on the whole quite quickly. I've lost a best friend of 9 years, which breaks my heart, but I suppose I had it coming as we couldn't meet each others needs in the relationship. I've seen my husband for the only two weeks in the 11 months he'll be gone, and have experienced what it's like to have a jealous toddler and crying baby all at the same time...which is hard (not to mention three dogs all of which demand my attention). All and all it's been a rough month.
For starters, my life as a military spouse is typical. I suppose no one ever plans to have their children without their husband or only have them around for 2 weeks in the first 8 months of their child's life, but that happens and it happened to me. It's hard to explain the pain you feel when you have to say goodbye while thinking about how you're going to explain it to your toddler who will surely miss his daddy why he's gone and when he'll be back...or recognize the fact that your baby girl will not know the man that will want to hold her 8 months later and may reject him. Military life is hard, but it's what I have and I guess I just have to deal.
Second, I lost a dear friend. This is one of the hardest things to deal with this month as I wasn't expecting it, but can't really fault him for it. For many reasons we have kept this wonderful friendship going, but as time passes and our futures seem more certain, the threads of our bond seem to weaken and eventually they got to a breaking point and thus we've gone our separate ways. I can't help but wonder what he's doing and how he's doing. All I can say is I hope all is well and I wish him the best in every aspect of his life. While I may not have the chance to speak with him, I have so much I wish I could have said. For saying things in person are so much better, but I suppose I have to let it rest and move on for the sake of all involved.
And yet another issue from the past month, dealing with self image. Last year I felt great. I was training for two half marathons within the same month. I was feeling like I was in the best shape I'd ever been in, and I had a running buddy whom was helping me achieve my goals and became a great friend. This year I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. While I'm over the moon about her, my body is what feels like beyond repair. I have quite a negative self image and hate to look at my stomach in the mirror. Not only did the added weight of pregnancy make me dislike what I saw, the ability of my stomach to stretch beyond repair has left me feeling unattractive and downright depressed. I know I'm only a month post pregnancy, but I know this time I will not bounce back as well as I did the first time. It's hard to deal with and hard to accept, but I suppose I have to "put my big girl panties on" and deal. I will run again, I will be able to wear nice clothes again and feel good about myself. I just have to keep working on it physically and mentally.
Life is full of complications. Getting married has it's challenges, military life as well. Having children is a blessing, but it tests you in more ways than you can imagine, and friendships can mean the world to you and they can last a lifetime or only a fleeting moment. However, not everything goes according to plan and as they say...if you love them let them go. So here I am letting things go. I'm letting go of a lot of things...perhaps I'm letting go of my freedom for the next twenty years if I decide to live this military life until military retirement comes along for my husband, I'm letting go of a dearly loved friend whom I respect and wish all the best, I'm letting go of my freedom to do what I want when I want as two kids have pretty much insured that I will be spending my days at home or at a park with them and not out running, drinking, dancing, or some other early twenties activity I used to do. And I'm letting go of my younger days...yes I turned 30, but it's not the number that bothers me or makes me feel older; It's the fact that I have had many freedoms in the past and now with my life getting more and more responsibility, I'm letting go of the freedom of my youth and welcoming the ties and joys of life as I know it. I do not wish to change my life as I have two wonderful children that I cannot imagine living without and even though times can be challenging, I will manage to make the most of each day. Life goes on and so will I. This month is just one test of how I will handle life and so far I think I'm passing the test and ready to move on to the next challenge. Perhaps getting back in shape is the first place I'll start!
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