Well, I hate to say it but I totally forgot to write in my blog! What a good blogger I am! To be honest, I get little sleep...still after 5 months (nearly 6) of her life she still has a hard time sleeping longer than an hour, which makes for a tired and busy person. My little angel doesn't really take long naps...prehaps 1/2 hour, so I have little time to do what I want to do since my son rarely takes a nap at the same time. I do however get an hour or two after they're both in bed before I have to run up to stuff a binky back in her mouth.
So, that being said, I suck at writing on here! Anyway, sleep issues aside, I have had some interesting dreams since I don't tend to get that deep sleep I really need, I get dreams instead. I had a couple of an old friend recently, and I've had a few bad dreams (probably because I watch shows like Grimm right before bed). But all and all I'm hoping and praying for the night when she'll sleep like an angel the whole night and then both kids will wait until 7 to get up. I tend to get a wake up call from my oldest at 5:30 or 6. No extra sleep for this chica!
I have survived this deployment thus far, but I have to say it sucks. I'm burnt out now. The daily grind is really starting to grind into my mental and physical endurance and wear me down. To be honest, I would love nothing more than to sit in front of the tv with a few of my favorite shows or new movies, a pint of ice cream, and not have to worry about a crying baby. My son was never this bad so I think I was just spoiled then. Anyway, it's been a challenge these last few weeks. And I have a sore back most days...actually it's kind of tingly because I'm holding a baby all the time and it's overworked. It reminds me of my crew days when I had to have electro therapy for a muscle issue.
Today was a day when I just needed to write. Even if no one reads this, I needed to say something. I have a lot of feelings going on right now. I miss an old friend. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I miss my husband. I miss my family. I wish I had some "me time." I want to just let go and go party downtown, but obviously can't. I want to get in shape (although I did weight one pound under what my goal weight is so that is awesome!) and I just want to feel like I can breathe. I think the last deployment was hard, but I was able to do things for me and I was able to keep going, but this deployment leaves me with barely a moment to think and feel for myself and it's simply the hardest thing to deal with sometimes. I've had many scream into a pillow days simply because I have no way to release stress. Hell, I'm lucky if I even get a shower with out a crying baby, let alone a nice relaxing bubble bath. Either way, life kinda sucks now. The only great thing in it is my beautiful kids and their smiling faces. But I have to say, my little girl screams like a banshee and it hurts my ears. Her volume is set on max and even when she just wakes from sleep she screams pretty loud. There's no gentle sound from that one. That also wears me out. My blood pressure has to sky rocket multiple times at night simply from waking to her crying.
Well, here's hoping that in the next month my angel stops waking every hour and lets me get at least 3 hours of consecutive sleep. And speaking of sleep, perhaps I should go to bed now. It's 9:30 and I might be able to get an extra hour in if I go now. Hmmmm. Better go brush my teeth instead of indulge in another glass of wine. Until tomorrow wine, computer, and blog. Here's hoping I remember!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Where does the time go?
Well, obviously I haven't written in ages and to be honest, it's hard to find the time and sometimes the motivation. I seem to end up at the end of the day hopefully wishing I could just settle down on the couch with a nice glass of wine, some chocolate, and a good movie or show to watch...then I remember I have to feed the baby in half an hour, it's 9pm and I'll likely be up by 6 so I should probably just go to bed.
The highlight of my week last week was that I finally got DVR so I can watch my shows when I have time and pause them to finish them later. The other day I got through a whole movie...a WHOLE MOVIE! My son did however wake up during a war scene (not the thing you want your child to see when his dad's away at war) so I promptly fast forwarded of it or waited until he left the room and was on to the rest of the movie. I also discovered I can make some fantastic pumpkin m&m cookies. Simply amazing and so soft and tasty! To finish the week (or start the weekend) I had my sister over for a night before she and her hubby went into the city so that was nice. We managed to spend some time at a Winery and got some great wine! And last but not least, my oven "bake element" or the coil on the bottom (whatever you call it) blew and scared the crap out of me as I watched it spark and move around the bottom of the oven. All and all about a foot of it was destroyed. Luckily I got a replacement part and installed it today. I sorta become a handywoman when my hubby is gone as I have no one to do certain things for me and I have to attempt to fix things that always choose the best times to break (when I'm alone). I do believe I'll be trying out the oven later as I have more m&m's (a potty training incentive that happens to coincide with the cookie recipe) and pumpkin pudding to make the cookies. And I know if I leave the bag open and don't make the cookies I'll just eat the m&ms.
Next week I may have yet another set of visitors which will be nice considering that I'll be on my own all next month. :( Not sure what I'll do for the holidays...makes it hard when you have to decide if you want to board all three dogs and pack up or just wait until your hubby comes home and you can try to go then. As of now, no trips are planned but who knows if I'll go home for Thanksgiving...doubtful I'll make it there for Christmas since hubbs will be home a few weeks after.
Anyway, I don't really have any more time to type this as my son has been enjoying (and glued to) the TV for a good bit of the afternoon and I still have to figure out a recipe to make the venison stir-fry I want with the ingredients I have. Man, where does the time go. It seems like it was just 11am, and it doesn't seem like it should be mid October yet! Oh well, lets hope November and December goes fast! Until another time!
The highlight of my week last week was that I finally got DVR so I can watch my shows when I have time and pause them to finish them later. The other day I got through a whole movie...a WHOLE MOVIE! My son did however wake up during a war scene (not the thing you want your child to see when his dad's away at war) so I promptly fast forwarded of it or waited until he left the room and was on to the rest of the movie. I also discovered I can make some fantastic pumpkin m&m cookies. Simply amazing and so soft and tasty! To finish the week (or start the weekend) I had my sister over for a night before she and her hubby went into the city so that was nice. We managed to spend some time at a Winery and got some great wine! And last but not least, my oven "bake element" or the coil on the bottom (whatever you call it) blew and scared the crap out of me as I watched it spark and move around the bottom of the oven. All and all about a foot of it was destroyed. Luckily I got a replacement part and installed it today. I sorta become a handywoman when my hubby is gone as I have no one to do certain things for me and I have to attempt to fix things that always choose the best times to break (when I'm alone). I do believe I'll be trying out the oven later as I have more m&m's (a potty training incentive that happens to coincide with the cookie recipe) and pumpkin pudding to make the cookies. And I know if I leave the bag open and don't make the cookies I'll just eat the m&ms.
Next week I may have yet another set of visitors which will be nice considering that I'll be on my own all next month. :( Not sure what I'll do for the holidays...makes it hard when you have to decide if you want to board all three dogs and pack up or just wait until your hubby comes home and you can try to go then. As of now, no trips are planned but who knows if I'll go home for Thanksgiving...doubtful I'll make it there for Christmas since hubbs will be home a few weeks after.
Anyway, I don't really have any more time to type this as my son has been enjoying (and glued to) the TV for a good bit of the afternoon and I still have to figure out a recipe to make the venison stir-fry I want with the ingredients I have. Man, where does the time go. It seems like it was just 11am, and it doesn't seem like it should be mid October yet! Oh well, lets hope November and December goes fast! Until another time!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Being a "single mom" sucks!
Ah the joys of single motherhood. Well, sorta single. There are times in my day when I just say to myself (or the crying baby) "this is a time when it would sure help to have your dad here." Usually it's because I'm in the middle of doing something with my toddler or cooking, or even trying to workout or shower. While I do enjoy some of the solitude I get....pshhh wait, solitude, HA what is that?!?! Yeah, today (or was it yesterday, they all run together) I was in the middle of cleaning a poopy fanny and the baby decided she wanted to wail during the middle of the diaper change. (We're still working on potty training, regression sucks, but hopefully with no new changes we should be getting somewhere!) Then there was the "lets see how many times mom can run up and down the steps while giving my older brother a bath and needing to stuff the binky in my mouth" bit. That was a fun cardio workout. At least I can say that I'm much better at climbing the stairs quickly with out feeling out of shape anymore. Man, those stairs were killer when I first got back to my house after giving birth and being with the family for a few months in a one story ranch style house. Anyway, there are just some times when "me time" would be awesome. I guess this right now is as good as it gets. My boy is in bed and the baby is sleeping until about 10 or 10:30 when she'll want fed again...or until she decides she wants to move from her current location. I have a hard time trying to figure out what to do at night. Part of me wants to do nothing and zone out while watching mind-numbing tv, while the other part says "get off your butt and workout." Then there's the "lets see what's on facebook and maybe I got an email" or "I should just go to bed, but then again I have a project I want to finish....sewing or bed....sewing or bed????" Who knew what precious little time I would have to myself. Sadly I still need a shower and it's freaking hard to accomplish that this time of night because I never know if my baby will wake and cry. I do take lightening fast showers that way though. The other day I had no more than squirted shampoo in my hands then she started to cry. Needless to say that was the fastest shower ever and then there are some days when I'd LOVE to sit in the tub with some lavender bubble bath that I have, but I know it's a fat chance in hell that I'd be able to calm down enough to sit in there until I look like a prune. Oh well. I suppose I won't always be stuck in this spot. And let me tell you, when my husband has reclaimed his role as daddy...I'm taking a vacation!! Ok, well not literally, but I am planning on handing over some diaper duty and saying "deuces" as I go out the door in my spiffy running gear to get a good run in. There's a lot I think you take for granted when you have someone else to help raise two kids, but when you're on your own, man the simplest things can be a challenge. Today I was so happy that I actually got through walmart without any major issues (that is if you don't count the screaming toddler I had in the cart as I was in the parking lot trying to walk into Walmart). Well, the countdown continues as my single motherhood shall come to an end, but until then I better put my big girl panties on and be the best freaking mom I can be!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
People that make us who we are and teach us what to be
Today I am sitting here as my son and daughter sleep (at the same time!!!) and thinking about all things that have come to be in my life. I've just spent the last 4 months with at least one if not all of my immediate family (husband excluded) and now I'm left to determine my own strength. Today I watched my husband hit the deck three times during a skype call as his base in Afghanistan got bombed while my toddler ran around playing with his trains and my daughter slept in her infant swing. And by the end of the call we were just talking about how funny our son is as he played in the bedroom wrapping himself up in his sheets and rolling around.
Everyday I'm so thankful for what precious gifts I have in my family and friends and each day I'm reminded as I look through photos and facebook statuses of those I've lost or those who I used to know well and now only see in the occasional message or fb update. I know that I have been blessed to have the life I have. As challenging as it may be now, I know that this makes me stronger and gives me the strength to soldier on and keep my kids happy and safe. The worst part of my day so far is just trying to get my toddler to poop on the potty, but in other places people are being bombed, people are dying, and lives are being shattered.
I'd like to say I don't "facebook stalk" people by looking at my friends photos. They are my friends and I'm sure they do the same to me every once in a while. But, I do occasionally like to look at my friends photos and see what is new in their lives and review what's been going on via their photo "diary" that is facebook's numerous display of photos arranged by date. I look back at my photos and I see college friends, trips, family, major events, and even sadness in the fact that there are some people I don't get to see often enough or even at all anymore. I do have to say one thing, in review of my life and all that has gone on and those who have been in it, it is those people who have shaped me into what I am. One person takes funny random photos and I try to remind myself that when I'm out somewhere and the opportunity presents itself, why not take that silly photo. Laugh at yourself, be free of the worry of what others think. I also see the people who gave me life, who shaped me into the human being that I am and whom I love more than life itself. They have given me the chance to make something of myself and guided me along the way to ensure that I will be confident and strong. Then I see those who have been the object of my affection as of late. My husband who has made me a strong, independent woman and given me two beautiful children, and my children who have been the light of my life and the source of my smile since they came into this world. I see the friends of days gone by and wish they were near to have a drink with or share old stories of the "good ol' days." Never have I felt so rich as when I think of all the people who have blessed me through the years. Even in hard times I had those who lifted me up to support me and make me smile and those whom I have lost have made me realize the true value of friendship. Oddly enough it seems the two most important friends I had in my life have both gone on. While I have tried to reconnect with one, the earlier days of our youth are gone as is the closeness we once shared. And the other is a sad story that for the both of us, it was better to part ways, breaking each others heart. Life is a journey of ups and downs. Sometimes you take two steps forward, sometimes you take two steps back, but if you can enjoy the journey and reflect on how you got where you're going then you have lived and are better for it. I still have much to live and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest. I plan to embrace everyday with renewed interest and see what path will be laid out before me. I only hope that those who have helped shape my life and look back on me and think that I helped shape theirs. I hope that everyone in my past and in my future can enjoy life and look back on theirs and say it was a life worth living.
Everyday I'm so thankful for what precious gifts I have in my family and friends and each day I'm reminded as I look through photos and facebook statuses of those I've lost or those who I used to know well and now only see in the occasional message or fb update. I know that I have been blessed to have the life I have. As challenging as it may be now, I know that this makes me stronger and gives me the strength to soldier on and keep my kids happy and safe. The worst part of my day so far is just trying to get my toddler to poop on the potty, but in other places people are being bombed, people are dying, and lives are being shattered.
I'd like to say I don't "facebook stalk" people by looking at my friends photos. They are my friends and I'm sure they do the same to me every once in a while. But, I do occasionally like to look at my friends photos and see what is new in their lives and review what's been going on via their photo "diary" that is facebook's numerous display of photos arranged by date. I look back at my photos and I see college friends, trips, family, major events, and even sadness in the fact that there are some people I don't get to see often enough or even at all anymore. I do have to say one thing, in review of my life and all that has gone on and those who have been in it, it is those people who have shaped me into what I am. One person takes funny random photos and I try to remind myself that when I'm out somewhere and the opportunity presents itself, why not take that silly photo. Laugh at yourself, be free of the worry of what others think. I also see the people who gave me life, who shaped me into the human being that I am and whom I love more than life itself. They have given me the chance to make something of myself and guided me along the way to ensure that I will be confident and strong. Then I see those who have been the object of my affection as of late. My husband who has made me a strong, independent woman and given me two beautiful children, and my children who have been the light of my life and the source of my smile since they came into this world. I see the friends of days gone by and wish they were near to have a drink with or share old stories of the "good ol' days." Never have I felt so rich as when I think of all the people who have blessed me through the years. Even in hard times I had those who lifted me up to support me and make me smile and those whom I have lost have made me realize the true value of friendship. Oddly enough it seems the two most important friends I had in my life have both gone on. While I have tried to reconnect with one, the earlier days of our youth are gone as is the closeness we once shared. And the other is a sad story that for the both of us, it was better to part ways, breaking each others heart. Life is a journey of ups and downs. Sometimes you take two steps forward, sometimes you take two steps back, but if you can enjoy the journey and reflect on how you got where you're going then you have lived and are better for it. I still have much to live and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest. I plan to embrace everyday with renewed interest and see what path will be laid out before me. I only hope that those who have helped shape my life and look back on me and think that I helped shape theirs. I hope that everyone in my past and in my future can enjoy life and look back on theirs and say it was a life worth living.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Updates on the house and on my body
A lot has happened this summer and life as a mother of two is starting to be less stressful as I find my way of doing things. Now, when I don't have help in a little while I'll see how hard it really is. There may be a few rants to come.
Recently I've been able to fit back into some of my clothes (a feat that is still a long way off for some of my prepregnancy clothes since I was in the best shape I've been right before I got pregnant with number two). I'm starting to feel like me again and feel like I can have a body I don't mind looking at. Not gonna lie, the big boobs from nursing are a bonus! It's kinda funny how I view myself now. Instead of the nice, unmarked, non-stretched, and not saggy body, I have a new one. Not to say that my body is all of the above, but it's more like a used shirt rather than a brand new one. Not perfect, perhaps a few blemishes, and maybe not as tight as it was when it was first bought...but, I know I can appreciate it and enjoy wearing it. And I know I can get it in tip top shape if I try since I've done it before and I have every intention of doing it again! I have the gear to do it, not I just need the time.
Not only do I have a desire to remodel my body, but I also have a desire to remodel my house. Well, maybe not a total overhaul, but a small facelift. I have to say after having a house with flat paint and in a color I don't know how to match, I feel it's time to get some new paint on the walls and start to make it all happen asap. I have also been introduced to the world of HGTV (thanks mom). Not that I didn't know of HGTV, but I just got into watching it since I have a house I want to fix a few things in. Most notably, I want to get rid of the military crap that is sitting in foot lockers and hunting gear that doesn't REALLY need to be in the spare master bedroom. I know I will be living in my current house for a few years and after that I'll live in a new one, but while I'm here I think I'm going to make some changes and enjoy them.
First on my list, patio furniture. I've been living with collapsible camping chairs and folding tables. The time for lost and found furniture is at an end. I plan to make over the space with seating, an umbrella, a nice table, and rug. I'm finally going to get something I want and can enjoy...now if only the dogs will leave it alone! I hope I don't find my new green cushions strewn about on the green grass one day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the changes. I want to make my house a home I can really enjoy and be proud of when people set foot in the door. I think it's hard to really get into decorating when you know you'll only live there for three years, but I think I'm taking the plunge here. Paint, carpet, decor, it's all going to happen and my husband can thank mom for getting me onto HGTV and spending money! :)
Recently I've been able to fit back into some of my clothes (a feat that is still a long way off for some of my prepregnancy clothes since I was in the best shape I've been right before I got pregnant with number two). I'm starting to feel like me again and feel like I can have a body I don't mind looking at. Not gonna lie, the big boobs from nursing are a bonus! It's kinda funny how I view myself now. Instead of the nice, unmarked, non-stretched, and not saggy body, I have a new one. Not to say that my body is all of the above, but it's more like a used shirt rather than a brand new one. Not perfect, perhaps a few blemishes, and maybe not as tight as it was when it was first bought...but, I know I can appreciate it and enjoy wearing it. And I know I can get it in tip top shape if I try since I've done it before and I have every intention of doing it again! I have the gear to do it, not I just need the time.
Not only do I have a desire to remodel my body, but I also have a desire to remodel my house. Well, maybe not a total overhaul, but a small facelift. I have to say after having a house with flat paint and in a color I don't know how to match, I feel it's time to get some new paint on the walls and start to make it all happen asap. I have also been introduced to the world of HGTV (thanks mom). Not that I didn't know of HGTV, but I just got into watching it since I have a house I want to fix a few things in. Most notably, I want to get rid of the military crap that is sitting in foot lockers and hunting gear that doesn't REALLY need to be in the spare master bedroom. I know I will be living in my current house for a few years and after that I'll live in a new one, but while I'm here I think I'm going to make some changes and enjoy them.
First on my list, patio furniture. I've been living with collapsible camping chairs and folding tables. The time for lost and found furniture is at an end. I plan to make over the space with seating, an umbrella, a nice table, and rug. I'm finally going to get something I want and can enjoy...now if only the dogs will leave it alone! I hope I don't find my new green cushions strewn about on the green grass one day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the changes. I want to make my house a home I can really enjoy and be proud of when people set foot in the door. I think it's hard to really get into decorating when you know you'll only live there for three years, but I think I'm taking the plunge here. Paint, carpet, decor, it's all going to happen and my husband can thank mom for getting me onto HGTV and spending money! :)
Sunday, July 28, 2013
House sitting
This week I've been house sitting for my in-laws. And in doing so I've been there with my daughter and dogs. The two Britts are there at the in-laws because they would undoubtedly give my parents three tiny dogs a heart attack with their abundance of energy and relentless pursuit of playmates. I've enjoyed the solitude of this house since I'm the only adult and my little one takes some good naps, but I have to say I'll appreciate being back in my own home when I get back. I love visiting with parents and spending time with everyone, but it can be cramped adding four beings to a house that already has two people and three dogs. I have had a lot happen this year so far and I'm looking forward to the end of the year (or rather the beginning of next year) when things will hopefully get back to normal.
I think seeing how we've all changed and adapted to fit this situation makes me appreciate the sacrifice that each of my families has had. They've both been loving and supportive, but I'm sure they will both be happy to get things back to normal and let the poopy diapers be once again a thing of the past. I have a lot to keep me busy when I get home. Potty training is top of the list, followed by the removal of a binky, and hopefully getting a good nights sleep. Not to mention I will eventually have my baby in the nursery I've worked so hard to create and have yet to use. I think I'm mostly looking forward to having my back yard and deck again. I plan to buy some decent furniture...not of this folding camping chair business anymore. And a rug is a must after a 1 1/2 inch long splinter found it's way into my sons foot one day. I'll also need to invest in some water entertainment device and hopefully I'll get a good sale on something since it's the end of July already.
So far I've had several months "on my own." Though not entirely on my own as my family has helped tremendously, but on my own as far as a husband and father to my children is concerned. After seeing my husband for a brief two weeks, I realized how much a little boy needs his dad. My son is in his terrible twos and likes to throw fits, but has little outlet for rough and tumble play which he so enjoyed during those two weeks. I can only imagine the fun that will ensue when my husband returns. Being a daddy's girl I always loved being near him, but I never appreciated what need little boys have for their father. As I watched my husband play with our son I realized the play that is natural to a little boy is not natural to a mother. I don't get on the floor and rough house with him, I like to play with his toys and cuddle with him (when I'm lucky enough to get to do that). So, after watching the interaction for two weeks I realized how hard it must be for those children who must go without their other parent. I'm sure for them, at some ages they know no different and it matters not, but the inner workings of our mind and how we express ourselves or let out or energy is simply different. "Boys will be boys" is a saying I just came to understand and one in which I'm sure I'll appreciate throughout these years. I love watching my children grow and I love being a part of their lives, but I can see the need for a father and I will patiently wait for that day to come again. Skype, instant messaging, and email will only get you so far. There is no replacement for the real deal.
I think seeing how we've all changed and adapted to fit this situation makes me appreciate the sacrifice that each of my families has had. They've both been loving and supportive, but I'm sure they will both be happy to get things back to normal and let the poopy diapers be once again a thing of the past. I have a lot to keep me busy when I get home. Potty training is top of the list, followed by the removal of a binky, and hopefully getting a good nights sleep. Not to mention I will eventually have my baby in the nursery I've worked so hard to create and have yet to use. I think I'm mostly looking forward to having my back yard and deck again. I plan to buy some decent furniture...not of this folding camping chair business anymore. And a rug is a must after a 1 1/2 inch long splinter found it's way into my sons foot one day. I'll also need to invest in some water entertainment device and hopefully I'll get a good sale on something since it's the end of July already.
So far I've had several months "on my own." Though not entirely on my own as my family has helped tremendously, but on my own as far as a husband and father to my children is concerned. After seeing my husband for a brief two weeks, I realized how much a little boy needs his dad. My son is in his terrible twos and likes to throw fits, but has little outlet for rough and tumble play which he so enjoyed during those two weeks. I can only imagine the fun that will ensue when my husband returns. Being a daddy's girl I always loved being near him, but I never appreciated what need little boys have for their father. As I watched my husband play with our son I realized the play that is natural to a little boy is not natural to a mother. I don't get on the floor and rough house with him, I like to play with his toys and cuddle with him (when I'm lucky enough to get to do that). So, after watching the interaction for two weeks I realized how hard it must be for those children who must go without their other parent. I'm sure for them, at some ages they know no different and it matters not, but the inner workings of our mind and how we express ourselves or let out or energy is simply different. "Boys will be boys" is a saying I just came to understand and one in which I'm sure I'll appreciate throughout these years. I love watching my children grow and I love being a part of their lives, but I can see the need for a father and I will patiently wait for that day to come again. Skype, instant messaging, and email will only get you so far. There is no replacement for the real deal.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
A lots happened in a month
A lot has happened since my post over a month ago and last nights post was merely a rant about how crappy a night I was having. Tonight I thought I'd get everyone up to speed. In the past month I've had a baby, recovered from it with a few minor complications, but on the whole quite quickly. I've lost a best friend of 9 years, which breaks my heart, but I suppose I had it coming as we couldn't meet each others needs in the relationship. I've seen my husband for the only two weeks in the 11 months he'll be gone, and have experienced what it's like to have a jealous toddler and crying baby all at the same time...which is hard (not to mention three dogs all of which demand my attention). All and all it's been a rough month.
For starters, my life as a military spouse is typical. I suppose no one ever plans to have their children without their husband or only have them around for 2 weeks in the first 8 months of their child's life, but that happens and it happened to me. It's hard to explain the pain you feel when you have to say goodbye while thinking about how you're going to explain it to your toddler who will surely miss his daddy why he's gone and when he'll be back...or recognize the fact that your baby girl will not know the man that will want to hold her 8 months later and may reject him. Military life is hard, but it's what I have and I guess I just have to deal.
Second, I lost a dear friend. This is one of the hardest things to deal with this month as I wasn't expecting it, but can't really fault him for it. For many reasons we have kept this wonderful friendship going, but as time passes and our futures seem more certain, the threads of our bond seem to weaken and eventually they got to a breaking point and thus we've gone our separate ways. I can't help but wonder what he's doing and how he's doing. All I can say is I hope all is well and I wish him the best in every aspect of his life. While I may not have the chance to speak with him, I have so much I wish I could have said. For saying things in person are so much better, but I suppose I have to let it rest and move on for the sake of all involved.
And yet another issue from the past month, dealing with self image. Last year I felt great. I was training for two half marathons within the same month. I was feeling like I was in the best shape I'd ever been in, and I had a running buddy whom was helping me achieve my goals and became a great friend. This year I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. While I'm over the moon about her, my body is what feels like beyond repair. I have quite a negative self image and hate to look at my stomach in the mirror. Not only did the added weight of pregnancy make me dislike what I saw, the ability of my stomach to stretch beyond repair has left me feeling unattractive and downright depressed. I know I'm only a month post pregnancy, but I know this time I will not bounce back as well as I did the first time. It's hard to deal with and hard to accept, but I suppose I have to "put my big girl panties on" and deal. I will run again, I will be able to wear nice clothes again and feel good about myself. I just have to keep working on it physically and mentally.
Life is full of complications. Getting married has it's challenges, military life as well. Having children is a blessing, but it tests you in more ways than you can imagine, and friendships can mean the world to you and they can last a lifetime or only a fleeting moment. However, not everything goes according to plan and as they say...if you love them let them go. So here I am letting things go. I'm letting go of a lot of things...perhaps I'm letting go of my freedom for the next twenty years if I decide to live this military life until military retirement comes along for my husband, I'm letting go of a dearly loved friend whom I respect and wish all the best, I'm letting go of my freedom to do what I want when I want as two kids have pretty much insured that I will be spending my days at home or at a park with them and not out running, drinking, dancing, or some other early twenties activity I used to do. And I'm letting go of my younger days...yes I turned 30, but it's not the number that bothers me or makes me feel older; It's the fact that I have had many freedoms in the past and now with my life getting more and more responsibility, I'm letting go of the freedom of my youth and welcoming the ties and joys of life as I know it. I do not wish to change my life as I have two wonderful children that I cannot imagine living without and even though times can be challenging, I will manage to make the most of each day. Life goes on and so will I. This month is just one test of how I will handle life and so far I think I'm passing the test and ready to move on to the next challenge. Perhaps getting back in shape is the first place I'll start!
For starters, my life as a military spouse is typical. I suppose no one ever plans to have their children without their husband or only have them around for 2 weeks in the first 8 months of their child's life, but that happens and it happened to me. It's hard to explain the pain you feel when you have to say goodbye while thinking about how you're going to explain it to your toddler who will surely miss his daddy why he's gone and when he'll be back...or recognize the fact that your baby girl will not know the man that will want to hold her 8 months later and may reject him. Military life is hard, but it's what I have and I guess I just have to deal.
Second, I lost a dear friend. This is one of the hardest things to deal with this month as I wasn't expecting it, but can't really fault him for it. For many reasons we have kept this wonderful friendship going, but as time passes and our futures seem more certain, the threads of our bond seem to weaken and eventually they got to a breaking point and thus we've gone our separate ways. I can't help but wonder what he's doing and how he's doing. All I can say is I hope all is well and I wish him the best in every aspect of his life. While I may not have the chance to speak with him, I have so much I wish I could have said. For saying things in person are so much better, but I suppose I have to let it rest and move on for the sake of all involved.
And yet another issue from the past month, dealing with self image. Last year I felt great. I was training for two half marathons within the same month. I was feeling like I was in the best shape I'd ever been in, and I had a running buddy whom was helping me achieve my goals and became a great friend. This year I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. While I'm over the moon about her, my body is what feels like beyond repair. I have quite a negative self image and hate to look at my stomach in the mirror. Not only did the added weight of pregnancy make me dislike what I saw, the ability of my stomach to stretch beyond repair has left me feeling unattractive and downright depressed. I know I'm only a month post pregnancy, but I know this time I will not bounce back as well as I did the first time. It's hard to deal with and hard to accept, but I suppose I have to "put my big girl panties on" and deal. I will run again, I will be able to wear nice clothes again and feel good about myself. I just have to keep working on it physically and mentally.
Life is full of complications. Getting married has it's challenges, military life as well. Having children is a blessing, but it tests you in more ways than you can imagine, and friendships can mean the world to you and they can last a lifetime or only a fleeting moment. However, not everything goes according to plan and as they say...if you love them let them go. So here I am letting things go. I'm letting go of a lot of things...perhaps I'm letting go of my freedom for the next twenty years if I decide to live this military life until military retirement comes along for my husband, I'm letting go of a dearly loved friend whom I respect and wish all the best, I'm letting go of my freedom to do what I want when I want as two kids have pretty much insured that I will be spending my days at home or at a park with them and not out running, drinking, dancing, or some other early twenties activity I used to do. And I'm letting go of my younger days...yes I turned 30, but it's not the number that bothers me or makes me feel older; It's the fact that I have had many freedoms in the past and now with my life getting more and more responsibility, I'm letting go of the freedom of my youth and welcoming the ties and joys of life as I know it. I do not wish to change my life as I have two wonderful children that I cannot imagine living without and even though times can be challenging, I will manage to make the most of each day. Life goes on and so will I. This month is just one test of how I will handle life and so far I think I'm passing the test and ready to move on to the next challenge. Perhaps getting back in shape is the first place I'll start!
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