A vistor for tomorrow and hopefully some sleep soon!

Tomorrow I get to watch my sons friend and babysitters son. Should be interesting as I've not had the two boys here together all day by myself and I have no clue how her son will do when she leaves. Here's hoping the allure of the train table will help keep him happy!

This weekend I will finally get my other half back and I will finally feel like I can have a bit of freedom. I'm thinking I will go out and buy some birthday presents for my little guy and perhaps I'll take the time to shop for myself as well.

Nothing eventful happened today other than I went to Walmart and bought some groceries. I managed to make another batch of tasty calzones, but ended up with poached and seasoned chicken, peas and baked beans. I bought a can of baked beans a few weeks ago because it just sounded good and I never eat them...and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed them. Hunter seemed to like them, but did end up attempting to feed the last little bit to the dogs when I was cleaning up. Typical boy. He thinks it's great fun and he knows it will get a rouse out of me if I catch him. Ornery little guy. Well, after dinner we had our usual nighttime routine and the I watched one of my shows I like and hopped on here.  Now that I've made a post, I think I better go wash up some dishes, clean a little to make sure the house is ready for my boys friend and go to bed at a decent hour instead of 1am like I did last night...or this morning depending on how you look at it. Until tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Aching hips, my poor trashcan, and stripping Vegas!

Not much has happened in the last 24 hours. I managed to live through the tornado watch and howling winds that knocked my poor defenseless trash can over. Luckily all the trash was too scared to attempt an escape and stayed safely secured inside the trash can for the trashman this morning. Had I awoken before he arrived I would have checked on my poor trashcan and uprighted it so it still had it's dignity, but alas I was tucked in my warm bed enjoying the sleep. 

I did however, get one fond reminder of what pregnant life was like before...while enjoying my slumber I was awoken a few times as I usually do to turn over, but this time my typical uneventful turns were joined by that oh so nice aching pain deep in my bones of my hip.  The rain and wind didn't help sing me back to sleep, but I knew when I felt the aching that this was only the beginning. I knew after reading pregnancy books the first time that I would likely have some joint pain, but during my first pregnancy I think that was the worst part of the whole ordeal.

One doesn't normally sleep with 5 pillows all stuffed against and under your body so that you're entrenched in a sea of pillows, but when you have that joyful experience of pregnancy you learn to love your pillows and welcome them happily into your bed, much to your typical pillows envy. I have to say I was not expecting to have this pain so soon, but I know it will soon go from an ache to a wake you up and wish you could take meds for your aches every night kinda pain.  Guess the good thing is that I only have 5 months (aw man...5 months!) left and then it will fade away.

Well, all that aside, I still manage to do all that I did before my pregnancy with the exception of running due to my toddlers absolute refusal to sit in the stroller for an extended period of time...not to mention it's winter and he would likely hate being strapped in the stroller when it's 30 or 40 degrees out. Sunday marks the day my hubby comes home so I may try to take some time that day to try running with my big ol belly...which may no longer fit into most running gear, but we'll see. At least I can go for a walk if need be.  I am starting to have problems lifting somethings as my stomach muscles prepare to get stretched beyond recognition.  Sorry stomach, you just have to suck it up and deal cause we're in this for the long haul. 

I did however find a run that I do believe I will attempt in the future. While looking through some old magazines and ripping out articles I wanted to keep, but will probably totally forget about, I saw an add for a Strip Vegas or some other catchy title with the word STRIP in huge bold print. Basically it's a race in Vegas on the strip in December I believe and I thought, perhaps in a couple years when I'm not feeding my bundle of joy from my body every 2 hours, I might make the trip out there and just do this race. So I ripped out the add and stuck it in a binder as a reminder to myself to look this up. The big question then becomes who do I run with? I love to run and train for half marathons, but I do enjoy having a buddy to run with at least part of it. So we'll see who I can get to send me off and meet me at the finish line if I can't find a running buddy willing to travel. Now, for the past year I've been dreaming of the Disney World half marathon (one of a few of them they have) and I hope that I can one day do that, but I think I'll need to at least make a trip to Disney for a week and actually have the kids with me, which means that will be awhile.  Anyway, for now I'll dream of my running as I stare down at my growing belly and my disappearing feet. Ok, not there yet, but I will be!

True friends make you rich

Oddly enough, photos of a trip in 2004 showed up on facebook today, despite the friend having posted them about 8 years ago! I got a kick out of seeing some of them and sadly I'm not tagged in them currently because my name changed. While looking at those photos I'm reminded of what life was like back then. It's always been fascinating to think about where you'll be or what you'll be doing in 10 years and to be honest, I suppose I thought my life would be something like this, but never really thought I would have lived somewhere exotic, moved several times in one year, and bought a house that I will only live in for three. I did however figure if I was going to have kids I'd have them by now or at least have one by now and I knew having dogs was a must. I didn't expect to have three, nor did I expect them to be crazy, but I love them and they have their sweet calm moments every once in a while. 

While on my glorious 4 week stint in Australia I met a lot of great people and still maintain friendships with them via the great social network of facebook, but there's really only been one person that I have kept in touch with that has become a dear friend and means a great deal to me. Oddly enough, it was my one week in Fiji that made out meeting possible. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd end up chatting with a bloke from England while on some far away tropical excursion and I certainly never thought I'd end up chatting with him via email and skype more than I talk to my parents or my husband when he's deployed or in training! While our encounter was brief, only a few days, there was something that was certainly there between us and kept us talking to each other for years. After going back to the states and reuniting with my future husband, then boyfriend, I never thought I'd one day consider what life would have been like with my English gentleman.  I married my high school sweetheart and we joined the military (I say we because he joined it and I married into it, although not willingly). I suppose I thought we'd exchange a few emails and eventually would drift off into our own worlds across the pond from each other.  I hoped we didn't, but I'm terrible about maintaining contact with friends unless it's messages on facebook, I really don't call people or email them much. So to my surprise, we've become close friends and on some level we'd probably wish we were more than that, but that is another story entirely and I'm not getting into that. Honestly, he is a wonderful man and as you sit here reading this and enjoying your ridiculously hot days back in Australia I have no problems telling you just how great you are and what a blessing it has been to know you. Despite the attraction between us, which I felt from the first few days we knew each other, be it singing Christina songs by the fire, or just chatting about life under the stars, we were never married and nothing has ever happened between us. He is a true gentleman as he had many opportunities to make a move had he wanted to, but never did.  I only go off about all this, because as a married woman you'd think I'd be rambling off about my husband and my family, however here I sit, having only spoken to my husband twice in the past month and spoken to this Englishman nearly everyday. Not to mention I'm reading his book and laughing as some of his most embarrassing moments. I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that you can never value a true friend enough, they can be a lifeline, a rock, someone to make you laugh when all you want to do is cry, someone to dream with, someone to dream about, and someone to help you when you're down despite how hard it might be for them when it's helping out with your marital problems when I'm sure they'd rather you dump the guy.

Those photos I mentioned in the beginning included one from my trip in Fiji and he was in it. And even though I look dreadful, it's a photo I'll always enjoy looking at because I know what being there was like.  I've had many friends come and go and I was worried this man might have had too much to take when I told him I was engaged, then having a baby, then having another one, but he's stuck by my side and I thank him for that.

I know what it's like to have your heart ripped out and stomped on by your best friend because my best friend of 13 years did that to me in high school and it was heartbreaking to see her leave you behind to go off with her friends and become so involved in drugs that when you finally saw her after graduation she was a shell of the bubbly personality she was. I guess coke will do that to you. However, I have seen her again and once again facebook has allowed me to reconnect with her, but it was never the same and to this day I have only met with her twice since we reunited a couple years ago. I have moved away from my home, my family, my friends, to make a new life for myself, but in the end I always wish that I could go back to that inviting place called home where I have friends just a short drive away, my family is there if I want to see them, and I know where all the streets go because I grew up there and learned to drive there. Being a military spouse takes it's toll on you and there are good days and bad days, sometimes good weeks or months and bad ones as well. But the one thing I know I can always count on is my closest friends, to include my family. If you would have asked me twenty years ago who my best friends would be I would have had a completely different list and would have only dreamed of going to Australia, but today my list includes that man I met in Fiji, my mom, and a fellow military wife to name a few. I have learned that the one thing the truly matters in this world is the people you surround yourself with and not your worldly possessions, or the money in your bank account (granted those things make life a lot easier), if you can love yourself and surround yourself with people that love you, then you are rich no matter how much money is in the bank.

Tonight I am happy.

They don't tell you all the things that will happen to you when you get pregnant, during and after the birth, and how your life and body will inevitably NEVER be the same. Will I still wear a bikini to the pool?  Why yes, I did thank you...will I after this baby, I hope so!  Will I ever have a body like I did before...well, no, but you can dream, and you can see those photos of the lovely actresses and their amazing post baby bods, but in all honesty that baby will do things to your body that you can't totally recover from. So, I've decided that along with my post preggo body from baby numero uno and my again post pregnancy body from baby numero dos (come June) I am on a mission to regain part of that youthful look I had before I became a vessel for another life. I bare the changes with pride, but I want to look smokin hot for the time when I ACTUALLY make it to Vegas and when I can sport a bikini and perhaps when I decide that it's just plain fun to wander around in my house with nothing but a bra and undies and I stop to look in the mirror and say, "damn I look good for having two kids."

Those days may be a ways away, but for now I will think about what to do because the near future of my life is so unpredictable that I can't possibly determine what will be going on in two months so it's not worth worrying about. I've managed to stock my fridge and cupboards with ice cream, a bottle of Mountain Dew code red, dark chocolate (always a staple at my house), frozen waffles, various pasta dishes I've made and have yet to make, and a few other not-so-healthy-for-you foods. However, I am living without the watchful eye of my hubby who generally eats healthy and LOVES meat...venison and wild game to be exact. Not that he restricts my eating in any way, because if I want it I'll buy it, but I don't have that look that he gives me when I bring home a box of Swiss cake rolls that says, "you really want to eat that whole box?"  So, for the last few weeks I've indulged in some not so good for me foods, however, my son has yet to learn what the majority of any fatty, processed, or junk food may be. I think that I will once again begin my healthy eating habits in a weeks time, but those Swiss cake rolls still hold a special place in my heart (although I've not had any in many months).  Chicken is a staple and that is one thing I don't see changing for me. I like chicken and to be honest, my preggo body can only take so much venison (even though I LOVE it under normal circumstances).  I will live up this last week with my chicken, pasta, chocolate, and mountain dew. Amazingly enough I have managed not to down the entire bottle of mountain dew in one day so that's a big feat for me. I'll save some for when I eat leftover calzones I made tonight.

Now that I've stuffed myself for dinner on calzones, drank a glass of lemonade, a small glass of Mountain Dew, and water, I believe I can't possibly fit anything else in my stomach. So, I will read for a bit, then get a shower and go to bed (my usual routine). This time however, I have finished my most recent book in the Fifty Shades trilogy and have yet to buy or rent the last one, so I will be reading a good friends book. One in which I happen to be in for a paragraph or so. While I have read some of the book and I do find it an enjoyable read, I can't help but wonder what his life will be like in 10 years, let alone my own life. He's lived an amazing life, done so much, and met so many people along the way. I can't imagine getting to do some of the things he's done, but I did choose the path of family instead of carefree expeditions to far off lands. I am happy I've made the decision I did because I've always wanted to be married, but for some I think it's good they get out and experience as much as they can. One thing I've always been thankful for is the experiences I've had and the places I've seen. I have been to numerous countries and met a lot of people along the way, some of which I still speak with and one of which wrote the aforementioned book. While I may occasionally feel pinned down in my life, I do not regret my decision. For one thing, if I didn't marry the man I did, I'd likely have married the man who went on that carefree expedition to Asia, Australia, the Alps and so many more places. Then what would he be doing and how many places would he have really gotten to see. There would be no Chalet Boy book that's for certain, because he would probably have been a father by the time he would have even considered the thought of taking on a job like that. It just goes to show you that you never know what path you may take and where life will lead you, but in the end things are always changing and nothing is certain.

I am in a situation that presents some of the worst the Army has to offer at this time in my life, but this is my path. Love it or hate it, it is what it is. I have to take the good with the bad and determine in the end if it's worth it or not. There will be times of doubt and times of happiness in my life, but I know one thing, when I can get into that bikini and want to look in the mirror, when I can take those boudoir shots after my second child is born, and when I cross that finish line of the next half marathon I will be happy. I will be happy when I look at my son, when I watch him learn, when I see him pretend play with his stuffed animals. I will be happy when a day goes by that my dogs don't wake me up before 7:30 or make some mess in the house be it a incontinence issue (hopefully resolved after today's vet visit) or a shredded book. I will be happy when my husband is home or when I am home and getting a big hug from my mom and dad. I will even be happy when I don't have to wash or rinse a single dish in one day. Be it little or big things in your life, it's the things that make you happy that make life worth living. I have a lot of things that could go wrong in the near future, but today despite the annoyance of the dogs and the dishwashing and diaper changing that has made me wash my hands so much they've turned into cracked sandpaper (regardless of the copious amounts of lotion applied), I am happy because right now, it's quiet, my son is happy, my dogs are happy, and I can relax and feel calm. Until tomorrow when the chaos begins again, I am calm and happy. Lets just pray the dogs don't have to pee at 3 or 5:30am again!

Think positive

Life is uncertain, no matter the path you take.
Change is inevitable, no matter the choice you make.
When sadness grabs you to take you down,
Remember the joy in the life that you're found.
A child will give you unending love,
As if he's an angel sent from Heaven above.

He knows no hate, he's innocent and true.
He'll give you the world and love you more than you knew...
It was possible in the eyes of someone so small.
Love is unending no matter what comes to call.

I sit here today, thankful for this blessing and knowing that he is the light of my life, the love of my life, and the one thing that will be mine forever. I have had a trying weekend and many things to consider I know that when I look at him I will be forever thankful no matter what else is going on in my life. I know somethings will change and I will be tested emotionally, physically, and mentally and I am ready for the challenge. With the help of those who are close to me, I hope I can keep the strength I need for the challenges I face this year. Until I have certain evidence of what is to come, I want to focus on my little boy and the joy he brings and the love he deserves.  He is the one thing that keeps me happy, no matter how many times he plays in the dog water, tries to eat dog food, throws things, or dumps water out of the bathtub. I have to stay positive and I think today is a good day to try to find ways to maintain that positive energy. I have a lot going on and another big conversation to have with my husband, but until that comes and we know what is going to happen, I will try to stay focused on ways to make myself happy. Starting with buying yet another book...this time one on arranging flowers, so that when I come home from where ever I've been or when I wake in the morning, I'll have something beautiful to see as soon as I come down the stairs. I also bought a book on surviving being a military spouse and claiming that you want a life too. Seeing as it was a whopping $4 I bought it and will read it when it gets here for some inspiration to new approaches on things and ways to better myself. While part of me really just wants to be negative right now, I think it's best to redirect my energy to better things and make a better life. Here's to positive thinking and hopefully some positive change.

Ice cream and a smutty book

What do you say to your husband when he just declined to take a job that might have kept him here for the birth of your second child, but it's everything he doesn't want in a job and he's wanting to get out of the unit he's in because of the leadership?  Well, you tell him that family is important, you're tired of being low on the totem pole and you want to have him home despite the fact that it's a done deal and you can't really change what he's said now so you have to wait and see what command they give him.  Then after a long conversation you get on here, post your thoughts and carry on with some ice cream and a smutty book to take your mind off things.

One good thing about the conversation that is far from over is that he knows how you feel, knows your need more, knows you expect more, and knows that he better give you want you want before he gets deployed or it's going to be one unpleasant year. I did manage to get the little trip home to see the family that I wanted, the extra ultrasound, and a sincere I'm sorry and I love you. Oh and I am now officially allowed to declare what we do next after we leave this duty station because I'm sick of being at his and the Army's mercy.

While I am happy I have gotten a few minor things that I wanted, I'm still brokenhearted that I will most likely be without him for the birth of our second child. I will likely be in another state with a new doctor (which I'm not happy about because I really like my midwife at this hospital) and if I can swing it I will only have one dog to worry about instead of three.  Anyone want to adopt two dogs for three or four months while I manage to keep my sanity for just a bit longer?

There are a lot of things to consider...for all I know the stars could align and he might not even get deployed, but it looks like all the possible units he could go to will be leaving in March or sometime around then....sooner than I thought. We're not sure if he'd go that soon as there's so much to do before deployment but it's possible and I'm not happy about it. It would get him home for Christmas which would be wonderful. So, here I am, still wondering, but now wondering when instead of if he'll get deployed. At times I wish I could just say, he needs to quit, but it's not like you can really do that and despite his master's degree he's not sure what he'll do in the private sector. Just this morning I was looking up bedding for my toddler hopping to redo his room and now he may not even use it but a few weeks before he ends up getting moved back to the grandparents...if they'll have me, my son, my dog, my lizard, and my amphibian...AND I can find some one to take our other two dogs for a little while. To be honest it's all too much and it sucks and I told him that. It just plain sucks. I hope that I can find the strength in myself to make it through what will undoubtedly be the hardest time in our marriage and my life. If I go home at least I will have the support of my friends and family and that means the world to me. Life is hard and sometimes it knocks you down, lets just hope I can be the strength that my children will need in the upcoming months and still find strength for myself.

I wish I had a mute button

After a couple weeks back and by myself I have had day after day of barking and oddly enough leaking (I'll get to this later) dogs. I wish there was a mute button for my smallest dog who finds it necessary to bark every time the other two play or I'm chasing after my son who's having the time of his life running around the house.  Then there's the larger dogs who could benefit from a mute button. One of them seems to think it's great to bark at every dog she hears while she's outside and the other finds it fun to growl while playing, thus upsetting the smaller dog and occasionally waking the baby.

But lets not forget the leaking dog. Ever since we adopted her we'd have bouts of leakage that we'd find on our couch. We have a sectional so it's a rather large couch and she tends to frequent two spots on this couch.  Luckily the place where I usually sit is not one of those spots. However, after cleaning up after her for the third day in a row I'm now inclined to make my couch seem like an old lady couch by putting plastic on it.  I've washed the blanket that stays on it every day for the last three days. Not to mention she likes to dig and she's had multiple baths in one week.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs and I'm glad I have them, but man oh man can they be annoying. I feel bad for the largest one because she gets bored and just wants me to throw her darn ball which she refuses to release from her jaws thus making it hard to throw unless she loosens her grip so I can grab it only to tighten it again as I try to take it out of her mouth, thus getting gnawed on.  She's a hunting dog and needs to be run outside in the fields for hours to tire her out...my husbands job.  I have to say, I am looking forward to his return not only to see him, but to have him play with his beloved pooch!  If you only knew how spoiled she is with him. Sometimes I think she gets more cuddle time than I do!  Granted I don't cuddle on the floor at 8pm at night and fall asleep.

I have to say, I am desperate to talk to my husband to find out some news about this year. I hope I find out this weekend and I'm sure you'll hear about it.  I may be elated that he got stuck with a job that will keep him on US soil or beside myself trying to figure out what I'm going to do when May comes and I'm 8 months pregnant and he is shipping off to Afghanistan. But, I need to worry only about one thing until I get that news...what necklace am I going to wear to the ball since I have everything else. I still can't believe I'm going to a ball pregnant. I had no desire to do so and then I just got tired of feeling like a slob living in pj pants and shirts. Granted I dressed up to go to Walmart...I put on jeans.  I seriously considered wearing pj pants but then realized I could only bring myself to go to the mail box and no further in those pants. They aren't ugly looking, but on principle I just couldn't do it unless it was 3am and I was in college again. Or maybe when it's 3pm and I have two kids and still have the three dogs and just need a flippin thing of milk and want to get in and out as fast as possible because I've had no sleep in three weeks and can't bare to walk around the store to get the rest of the items on my list.  I'm thinking tomorrow I might actually decide to leave the comfort of my pj pants and toasty house to venture out into the unknown that is the local mall. I might even go to Target and look at some bedding I wanted for my son, or if I get really bold and my precious boy decides to halt his crying long enough after making two or three stops already, I might even go to Hobby Lobby or Walmart and get a few things I need.   And maybe I might even go to Panera!  Wow, I have an exciting life!  Well, this is how things change when you are a mom and have to work around naps, limited sleep (thank you dogs for making me get up at 3:30 this morning) and a boy who has the time limit of how many cheerios are in his cup before all hell breaks loose and you need an emergency evacuation plan. Ok, he's not that bad, but it does get bad sometimes.

It's funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. I miss my freedom and my ability to have a nice drink!  However, I love being a mom, I love reading books to him before bed and kissing him goodnight. I love opening his door and seeing that smile or watching him sleep. I never wanted kids and now even with the craziness of my household, I'm so blessed to have my boy. Here's hoping the next one is a girl though!  I need more estrogen in this house!!!! (And the dogs don't count)

Nothing much but hoping for good news

Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Want a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for YOU as You Move with the Military...this is the book a fellow military wife told me about today.  And seeing as I can buy a used copy for less than $4 with shipping I thought what the heck. Most of it is stuff I think I can probably figure out or maybe I already know, but might need a reminder of and some of it doesn't apply (like getting a job since I'm staying at home until my babies are in kindergarten). While I think I may have cooled down a bit after a rather unhappy morning and afternoon yesterday, I am still dead set on my plan of action.

 I have found some things that I believe will help me get some me time and learn a skill I've been interested in for a while. Now if only I wasn't expecting to get huge and not have space on my lap for a guitar or I'd get guitar lessons. That will be the goal after I have this baby, take guitar lessons....then get famous by singing and playing my own songs. A girl can dream!

 After thinking about what might happen in the months to come, I thought, why not look to see what might be rentable back home in case I wanted to go home and be close to family during the deployment.  Sadly, I don't know it if will work with my husbands financial plan and it gives me all the more strength to stand up for what I want.  I just don't know how I will manage to stay sane during a 9+ month deployment. I've been through the year long deployment, but not with three dogs and two children (one being a newborn)!  I was able to start running and taking my dog with me and rowing a lot and that helped, not to mention I had a job to keep me busy. This time around I would have no job and no way of going running unless I managed to get a sitter nearly everyday (and that won't be cheap).
  So, I guess I have a lot to think about and none of it I can think about now because I don't know what is going to happen until at least this weekend when he might get some news. 

Being in the military has some benifits, but when it comes to family we are never top priority, despite the military's attempts to say that they want to be more family friendly.  Soldiers have to consider the family as well as the military has to consider the soldiers and their families. I have seen many men leave their families for deployments and I have seen a father cry as he had to leave his newborn child for a year. So much happens in that first year of life and I can't imagine missing that. I think that in my mind I see the families that have great fathers that don't have to worry about going away and don't have month long training or 9 month or one year deployments and I wish I could have that. One day I will. 

Here's to hoping I get good news this weekend.

I'm back! And dreaming of running.

Too tired yesterday to type and the day before..well, I don't know what happened, but here I am!

So the opportunity to wear a pretty dress and look amazing has come up and I'm still on the fence about spending a bunch of money on a dress and babysitter, but the more and more I think about it, I would like to feel beautiful again. No one has made any comment that I look big, or fat or anything, but as a pregnant woman I think you start to really miss your old body and being able to wear normal clothes so that eventually you just want to look pretty again. And right now, I'm kinda at that point. I know I have months before I'll be able to wear anything that I could wear a couple months ago, so I've decided I just have to suck it up and try to look as pretty as I can. Even if that means spending a bunch of money on a dress I'll wear once and then dancing like a fool with my big belly!

Not only would I have made my pregnant self all pretty, but I'd be out there on the dance floor dancing the tango, cha cha, froxtrot, waltz, swing and salsa if my dance buddy will have me and my belly!  Maybe I'll make my husband jealous of my fabulous dance tallent with his coworker that he'll want to take lessons to.  HA HA HA. Yeah, he's got two left feet and no desire to learn dance, so I'll dream on that one. Although, it would be sweet to be able to dance those dances with your hubby, but mine is just not that rhythmically inclined.

With 5 or so more months to go, I figure it's time to think about how I want to go about my workouts when I have the baby. Ha ha, yeah...when I have time...but I'll make time or I'll probably go crazy!  I figure this will give me something to look forward to. I know I can start running 6 weeks after I have the baby, so I can start from there. I can look for races, 5K's first, because you have to start somewhere, then a 10K and finally my half marathon in spring 2014. I am looking forward to that one! I guess the other reason I am thinking about this is because I got my new subscription to Runners World in the mail today. My last subscription expired in October and I decided to renew it since I got an amazon gift card for Christmas and figured a two year subscription will keep the magazines coming until my half marathon and then some, so it will keep me motivated when I am a zombie from no sleep and would rather melt into my bed than strap on a pair of my latest Asics or Saucaony's. However you spell that. 

All and all I think my current state just comes down to beauty and being self conscious for all those years. No one is perfect and as you age I think you tend to notice more and more about your bodies imperfections, but as we get older we tend to get imperfections as well as notice them, so all and all it's a cruel joke mother nature plays on us. I suppose I notice the fine lines on my face and the things that have changed since having children, but the one light I have at the end of my tunnel is that I now know I can bounce back from having children to weighing less than I did my senior year of high school!  It gives me hope and drives me forward, which is probably why I'm so eager to get back to my prepregnancy look. I know my husband will not find me ugly or fat, and I know he likes natural beauty instead of man made enhancements, so that is a relief. But society views women in such a light that a size 8 is getting bigger and a size 4 would be great. I'll never be a size 4, unless you consider the Old Navy jeans I tried on, but I can strive to attain that body which I've always wanted and perhaps my quest after having the second baby will be to better myself by making myself look and feel great. I get a high and a stress relief when I'm running. The breeze you get when running, the freedom to go where you want and not have to worry about anything but the music in your ears (an the occasional car), and the sweat (which I used to despise with every fiber of my being) that soaks my clothes because I've just run 8 miles and my body is not screaming at me to stop. A sense of accomplishment, a sense of worth, and knowing that I can and do enjoy something I once loathed makes me feel good because I know it's good for me both mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Running is a freedom for me and one day I'll get back to it. I might have to push a double jogging stroller and stop to feed snacks and pick up binkies or toys, but I'll be doing something I can enjoy and be proud of and I'm getting my children out with me in nature and sharing my joy with them is worth it.  So bring it on mother nature, I'll take the next 5 months and I'll raise you the rest of my life as I know I can become a better person and take pride in myself because I can use what you gave me to make my life a better life. And Ohio, I'm coming for you in 2014...and I'm ready to kick some half marathon ass!

"Let them (me) eat cake"

After a great day...sunny, not too cold, saw other adults including a friend and her kids at the park where my son had a blast playing on slides and swings...I am ready to sit down and eat something amazing, something rich, something covered in frosting.  So I'm eating a cucumber with yogurt ranch dip. Not quite what I had in mind, but seeing as it's 9pm I don't really feel up to baking a cake and waiting to ice it until tomorrow or very late this evening. Perhaps if I had a box of cake mix I could be persuaded, but I'm making a chocolate cake from scratch, so no, I'm going to bake it tomorrow and enjoy the not so sweet, but still satisfying cucumber and dip. Perhaps even a grape tomato or two.

Today's big dilemma was trying to figure out if I should get a bed or a crib for the upcoming baby and my toddler. While I have a wonderful convertible crib and changer, I'd love to get a white one if I have a girl and if not then it doesn't matter, but as for the bed, I'm not sure if my son will stay in it to sleep. I have 7 months before I have to make this decision and get my son used to a new bed or else buy another crib.  Suppose I should talk to my husband first, but I guess we'll see how it goes. I figure he'll go for the cheaper option...that tends to be the way of things.

Alas, my cucumber is no more, I do believe I will get some tomatoes unless I give into temptation and grab a piece of dark chocolate.  No, tomatoes, tomatoes!!! Ok, tomatoes in hand. 

Anyway, I am looking forward to the day my husband comes home...for many reasons, but one big one is to see how well I can shuffle my pregnant self down the street. Luckily I'm still in the second trimester and have some rather form fitting clothes to keep the bounce in check should I need it, but man would I love to go for a run. The music in my ears, wind on my face, and nothing to think about but how far I want to go and how fast I can go.

Damn, out of tomatoes. Well, probably for the best since I don't want to eat too much dip.

Where was I, running, yes, I love the feeling that I'm doing something good for myself, like working off that piece of cake that I will make and eat soon. And I love knowing that I'm able bodied enough to be able to run and enjoy it. I have to say I contribute a lot of my happiness this past year to my running. While it is hard and two half marathons in a month was a challenge, especially when you get the pregnancy fatigue, I was happy to have a running buddy, be in better shape than I have been in ages, feel confident about my ability, and go faster than I had ever. I was starting to feel less self conscious, which is a big feat for me. 

One thing that has got me thinking is that after the baby is born, I have a month or so before turning 30 and while I'm not dreading the big 30, I am thinking about how some things are going to be different when I finally get my body back. Now, I've been married for 5 years and love to go dancing but have only been to clubs a handful of times and I can't help but wonder if I'm getting too old for it?  I can't try out for American Idol, or the Glee project, or pass for anyone younger than 25 I'm sure. I've got (or will have) two kids which makes it hard to get out and go anywhere, but having had them, I feel as though my body has changed and I'm not 100% happy with the end result. There will be plenty of exercise coming this fall and next spring though! Half marathon spring of 2014 here I come! 

I did see something today that got me thinking though. I was on facebook and oddly enough there was an add for boudoir photography close to where I grew up and visit at least twice a year (when I'm close enough...aka not in Hawaii).  So I clicked on it, curious to see where it was located and found it to be quite close to where my parents live/where I stay when I go home. I looked at the blog which showed a few clients photos and a lot of them have kids...and they look freaking amazing!  It did say that those women love to workout and thus have great bodies, but mentioned how several of the women have multiple kids and I thought, "I can do this!" I had boudoir shots taken of me a few years back and would love to do them again...after I've had kids and gotten a decent body back. So, perhaps this too will be on my 2014 list. Now I just have to get the motivation and time to work out religiously!  Perhaps I will eat my fair share of cake now and try to limit my cake in 2014....new years resolution???  So for now, I will eat cake!

A positive outlook and a great day with my boy.

I've had a rather boring day today, but I had a wonderful time watching my little boy smile, laugh, play with his toys, smear peanut butter all over his face, and leave a trail of note cards all over the house.

As a parent some days I just have to simply sit back and admire the wonderful gift that my child is. At times I try to think about things through his eyes. My eyes just see the train table as the same couple of loops that just keep going and going and the blanket on the rocking horse isn't nearly as exciting to put on it again and again, but to him it's a smile on his face and a laugh that is infectious.  It's days like these that remind me why life is so precious and why I am happy to have another child to care for.

Yes, I wish my body wasn't about to be stretched beyond comprehension and yes I would like to lay on my stomach or my back safely, go running (as fast as I used to), and even be able to do sit ups, but when I feel that kick, the flutter inside me I am reminded that in the end it will all be worth it.  Granted I may want to pull my hair out when I have a toddler that is screaming for my attention while I'm trying to feed a newborn and get the baby to sleep, but somehow I'll make it.

I guess today I'm just thinking about the future. Sure there will be some things I need to address and some discussions that need to be had, but I have a positive outlook on the world today. And with that positive outlook, I think I'm going to go to bed and try to sleep in...if my dogs will let me (which they didn't want me to lay in bed past 7:15am this morning despite the fact that my son didn't wake until 8:30!).  Good night world, until tomorrow.

Short and sweet

After many a night of waking up to calm a crying baby or let out the dogs, I do believe my lack of sleep is catching up with me and it's time for an early start on my sleep this evening. While last night did prove to be a challenge...my husband's alarm clock tends to have a mind of it's own and go off when it's unplugged and the face is black (this has happened two nights in a row, but not last night) and his other alarm clock which happened to go off at 4:55am this morning because in my frenzy of trying to turn off whatever beeping was going on, I managed to turn that alarm on the night before. So tonight I'm shooting for an alarm free night. Not to mention I had my 16 week doctors appointment today so I had to get up at 6:50am anyway to get breakfast ready and the baby fed and in the car. Sadly, I didn't get any new news about what gender my baby is...I have to wait over a month! But at least everything is going well thus far.

On another note of sleep deprivation, the dogs tend to want to go out at least once a night which has created the silent dance of turning over in my bed so as not to wake them. I find myself trying slowly to turn over so as not to give the dogs any indication that I'm awake and could take them out. Some times my attempts at a quiet turn are futile. However, having been quite firm about taking the dogs out at the last possible moment before bed and trying to be quiet they haven't needed to go out the last couple nights unless they woke when they heard the baby cry and in that case I was up already. With that being said, I'm hoping to go to sleep before 10 and to wake up after 7.  But waking after 8, now that would be a dream come true! 

Last night I had a dream that really had me worked up and I have to say while it wasn't a bad dream (quite the opposite) it had me worked up so that again I couldn't fall asleep right off and instead was awake for 15-20 min just being shocked at what images my mind can conjure up.  Surprisingly, I didn't read Fifty Shades Darker before falling asleep. My mind just knows how to make me smile when I wake and yet taunt me for not finishing it's thoughts.  It's seldom happened that I've been able to get back into a dream no matter how hard I try. So tonight, maybe I'll dream of the ending to my previous nights adventure or perhaps I'll be dreaming of zombies (which oddly enough I did for the first time a couple weeks ago). Who knows. 

Well, all this talk of dreams makes me want to crash into my pillow and wrap up in the softest blanket known to man while my mind happily drifts off into some sweet dream (in theory). Until tomorrow world.

Fire and Ice

Each day is a new day. The sun rises and sets. Time passes, you get older, you learn new things, you forget some things, and you can reflect on things.

I remember days of warmth, days of feeling like I was wrapped in sunshine despite temperatures being below freezing. I can think of days when I felt like I'd just dove into a pool of freezing water, despite the sweat that would surely seep from my pores had I set foot outside my house.

Tonight it's cold, below freezing and I warm ray of sunshine has found it's way to me. I am reminded of days gone by that make me smile and think about how much I want something or how much I wanted something before. Yet I feel a cool breeze knowing that I am a world away from reality in my warm sunny state. I am here ready to embark on a new journey with a new life to care for, but I find myself looking back at the life I thought one day might be mine.

As I look at my reflection I see lines that age me, eyes that long for something, a body wishing it could do the things it did a few months ago, and a delusional hope that emanates from within those longing eyes. No fate is sealed when it comes to the decisions we make for the future. Everything is fluid, but there are things that make it seem as if it were rock solid. I have come to know many things that make a rock solid future seem to be my destiny. However, I tend to try to live on a cloud and float from reality into a dream. Will the dream become a reality? Probably by the time it was possible, my dream will have floated by me. I don't know what's to come of my future. I may live in Alaska and have the time of my life salmon fishing and wildlife watching with my family, or I may move home to be close to my parents and settle where my heart is.

I always cling to hope. Hope that my husband won't be deployed again, hope that I will one day be closer than 6 1/2 hours to home, hope that I will have the romantic man I've dreamed of, hope that I'll be able to hear the word endure a thousand times over and it will never get old because it's become a part of me and my life.  I don't know what my life will be like in 5 years. Will I be on the same path, will I find that this path had lead be down a lonely road or find that this road was the one I was meant to be on and that good things come to those who wait?

I have found myself thinking of my life and how things need to change...how I need more in some aspects of my life and I'll aspire to achieve it. I am willing to give anything a chance and often a second chance. I have put myself in a place I can't come back from so I must either accept it or move on. Time will tell what I can do with what I have and I hope that all works out for the best. Sometimes you get fire, be it the kind that lights a flame of desire or one of anger and sometimes you get ice. Right now I'm living in lukewarm and searching for the heat to turn up the fire that warms my heart.

A hopeless romatic

Ah, the joys of young love, the supposed romance or perhaps just a bunch of lust and teenage hormones making you feel like you're on top of the world. Then you get older...and look back on those old glorious days.

I am a hopeless romantic...my husband is not. I should have known that he wouldn't be after 8 years of dating before getting married, but I suppose those unexpected moments of romantic gestures kept me hoping that he would one day be a romantic guy. I did get flowers unexpectedly (when I was really stressed) and we used to celebrate things, but lately the Hallmark holidays get passed by, the anniversaries end up being last minute "what do you want to do" nights, and we've only had two date nights in the past two years because we never have a sitter or just don't take the initiative. I think it needs to change. Now, I have to say when you have a husband in the military you get used to the training, deployments, and random odd nights when he's on staff duty, or would get a call that a soldier did something stupid at 4am and he has to go get them from the MPs, but having a husband who's not off doing other things every so many months would be nice. At least I'm pretty certain that this time as well as last he will be home for the birth of his second child, something not many men get the luxury of doing in the years since we've started this long and annoying battle in the middle east. So there's a plus.

At times I dream of what a "normal" life might be like. Buying a house and knowing you're going to live in it more than three years, living close to family, knowing where everything is because you're not in a new city every three years (or six months depending on training). I think about what I would be doing had I stayed close to home. No doubt I would not have had the amazing experience I had when we were stationed in Hawaii, but I might have had a steady job from the time I got out of college and not had to worry about how long I can keep a job in my current state of residence before I have to tell them I'm moving...or having a baby. Luckily, the military life has afforded me some luxury. I am able to be a stay at home mom and we can easily afford it. This is a big deal for me as I watch all the other moms go back to work after three months. Something I couldn't possibly imagine since I would not have been close to relatives or someone I knew to watch my precious bundle of joy. I also have "free" health care. While tax payers pay for a lot of it, we have small amounts we have to pay for things like dental and such and it is a big help financially (especially when it comes to having children). You do meet a lot of people, granted a lot of them are dudes in the military as well, but you do stumble upon other wives and make friends...I just happen to make them sloooooowly.

I suppose you always wonder about the "what if's." Thing is I know some of what my what if's would have been and I can't help but imagine how different my life would be now if I had let it come to pass. I knew in that moment when I had to make a decision, I was ok with what I had decided and was looking forward to the future.  And as I sit here today I have moments of doubt, but moments of extreme clarity and it can be oh so confusing.  One end of the spectrum, a romantic, kind soul who would certainly notice me a bit more, be more attentive,shares similar dreams, and he makes me laugh and smile a hell of a lot. The other end, and incredibly independent man who stands his ground, is the most impressive debater (which makes it hard to win at anything), is honest and true, but his passions are not shared and cause him to notice the amount potential food wandering across our backyard (depending on the season) than rather than the wife who just wishes he would use soap on the dishes so she didn't have to wash every stinking one and wash them often. Or perhaps I just wish he would volunteer to help. He never asks if I need help with our son or takes the time to clean his bathroom sink (a vile place where I've never seen someone get so much toothpaste/spit on the faucet. It's really mind boggling). I know, he's a man and men often need their wives to ask them to do these things, but boy would it be nice to come home one day after shopping to have a clean house (by my standards) and a happy baby. A girl can dream. Perhaps an anniversary present?

Sure, I knew he wouldn't use soap when I lived with him early on in college, yes I know it's nearly impossible to win any argument and I've known it since high school, and yeah, he's into hunting and I should have known after a few years in college that he'd be out in a deer stand every chance he could get. But what I didn't know was how true it is that you can't change a man. I feel that over the years I've tried to better myself. Party because some faults (and trust me they were obvious faults) were made obvious to me by my future husband years ago. I used to be super clingy, nowhere near independent, afraid of not being good enough or pretty enough (very self conscious about my complexion and my weight), and got angry at the stupidest things very easily. Thanks to him I am not clingy, much more independent (you have to be if you're going to survive deployments), more confident about my appearance (but still self conscious), and get angry much less at things that aren't really worth getting angry about...or at least I acknowledge that I was angry for no good reason afterwards and end up apologizing whereas I would not have done so before.

Life and those in it shape you, make you who you are, and make you what you will become if you let them. I have grown up, learned a lot about myself, and have discovered that sometimes life isn't always a bowl of cherries. And yes Forest, you're right...life is like a box of chocolates. I hate the hard caramel ones, but love the vanilla creams. Some days are like hard caramel...shit sticks to you and pisses you off, but other days are like vanilla cream, elated, full light and of hope, and keeps you coming back to the box because you know there are more vanilla creams.

Enjoying a nice night with my little one.

Day two. I've cleaned what feels like a zillion dishes, done a couple loads of laundry, sewed the day old bed my dog ripped up, and ran around after my little one all day. Now I'm ready to relax and read Fifty Shades Darker.

As I read the book, the one mentioned above is number two of the trilogy, I can't help but think the author is a cruel women because there's no way you can have orgasms that easily and sadly it's getting old reading about her getting off so quickly every time they touch, which is nearly every other page. But hey, that's what the book is about really, sex, so I guess when you want your kicks late at night in bed you can read it and put yourself in her place. Now, I'm not going to lie...if they made movies out of this and Channing Tatum played Mr Grey, I'd go watch. But after seeing Magic Mike, maybe I'll just stick with watching a few of his scenes, man that guy can dance. I digress.

So, today was a rather boring day. I did get to spend a lot of time yelling at my two largest, youngest, and very headstrong dogs as I couldn't put them outside due to the constant rain that made my backyard a soggy mess. One of them unfortunately is a poo eater...possibly the most vile thing. I brushed her teeth and gave her a bath today after screaming at her "NO" from the back door as she finished the latest steaming pile from our other dog. Unfortunately, the electric dog collar charger got left in a hunting trailer my husband and some friends went to so we have to wait to get that back or else I would put that darn thing on her and train her to crap in the toilet...or at least listen to "NO!"  She is the most bullheaded dog I know and one that constantly tests my patience, however she is a sweet lap dog when she wants to be and she's oh-so-soft.  Good for petting when she's not got poo breath.

Dogs aside, I managed to entertain myself and my son all day with the usual books, trains, etc. But after he goes to bed I wish I could have had a nice cold drink...an alcoholic one!  A glass of Moscatto would have been great or perhaps a nice crisp hard cider. But, alas I am destined to be drink free until at least the end of June if not a lot longer. I do however have a bottle of my favorite wine  (which is from a winery I can't get where I currently live) in the basement. I have to say, not drinking does save me on the caloric consumption that probably would help me gain that unwanted butt fat, or leg, or stomach, pick what you want. Granted I was down to a decent weight and physical condition before the exhaustion and nausea hit me. I'm only a few pounds heavier now, but my ever expanding belly makes me sad since I feel like I don't look pregnant yet, just fat. About the only good thing that comes from this thus far is the bigger boobs. I'll keep those thank you very much. :)

Aside from the dogs getting me up and my husband texting me at 11:30 last night I got a good nights sleep. And if I want to get another one I should get off here, get my butt in the shower, and go to bed. I'll probably end up typing for a while, getting that shower, reading my book, and getting to bed much later than expected, but that's how most nights go.

I can't help but wonder how single moms do it. Perhaps many of them live close to family so they can have them watch their children, or perhaps because they work, they get a break from the children to focus on other matters, but I have to say kudos to you single moms!  I feel single some of the time, thank you military, but I'm in no way single despite the fact that I pretty much do everything in raising my son. I just realized that I have a full 3 1/2 weeks before I see my husband again, which is a week longer than I thought. I was looking forward to being able to go shopping here in a few weeks, be it groceries or for something I don't really need, and not have to worry about a tantrum happening in the store. One of these days it's going to be a full blown tantrum and I'm dreading that day. For the most part he gets upset and then erupts when you are about to check out or put him in the car. At least that way I know I am close to getting out of the store or already out of it. Guess this is just being a mom. While there are many trying moments...like playing in the dog's water bowl over and over and OVER again, to attempting to feed the dogs his lunch, or even attempting to eat a crayon, I can't help but love the moment before bed when I get to hold him and read to him. I love having him in my lap listening intently, smiling and yawing, cuddling up to me. It's the best part of my day. I miss the days when I used to have a baby fall asleep on my chest and just lay with him nuzzled against me. Perhaps those days will again be in my near future, should my little angel decide it's ok for the new baby to take moms time from him. I think my biggest challenge is yet to come.

As I started this post I thought about complaining about the possibility of my husband going to a strip club last night and how it would make me so angry given my current state of feeling fat and unattractive only to have him oogle at some other woman, but then I decided that I would simply ramble on about the better things. I'm sure I could have written a lot more last night or perhaps this morning when I was still thinking about how upset I would be if he did go. All I know is that he gambled and won a little money and when and if I find out he went to a strip club, I'm sure you'll know.  I don't have any cause to think there's any underlying intentions of visiting a strip club, but I'm not there, I'm pregnant and feel unattractive, and (not going to lie) I'm totally jealous that he gets to go and I don't.  It's as if men become parents and their life doesn't change nearly as much as a woman's does. Perhaps that is an additional part of the frustration. Men don't have to nurse their babies or are not the primary caregiver when there's a stay-at-home-mom. So naturally the child is inclined to want it's mother. I think that women end up changing their lives drastically, which is only natural, but men can still go fishing, hunting, to Vegas, overnight trips...and the mother is always at home. Sure I go out...for a day trip or a couple hours, but when was the last time I wasn't sleeping in the same house as my son....only once in his two years and that was because I was at a breaking point when I was visiting family and he stayed with his dad and grandparents that night. It's hard to let go of the life you had when you become a parent. There are so many times when I'd like to do the most simple things and not have to worry about making sure I have everything (god forbid I forget the diaper bag) or hoping that I don't get stressed out because my son is upset he has to sit in the front of the cart rather than run around the store, but when it all boils down I always come to the same conclusion. I miss my old life, my seemly carefree life, but I wouldn't change it for the world. There's not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for the blessing my son is. I can't get enough of that smile and I can't imagine life without him. I took the traditional route...go to school, get degree, get married, have a baby, and another one (soon) and this is my life. It may be hard at times, but it's a good life. Now I just have to get over the emotional issues of being lonely at times and feeling fat! All in good time I suppose.

Day 1...sort of

So the only reason I'm writing this is because I need an outlet for my mind. Many people like diaries or talking to others, but when most of your day is consumed by chasing a toddler around and playing trains, you don't have much time and this is my one attempt at sanity.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my second child, my husband is gone at training, which isn't uncommon for a military spouse, and I happen to be getting rather bitter about the restrictions I have placed on myself with being pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to have another child. My toddler is my pride and joy and I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world, but being pregnant is not my cup of tea.

I had a simple pregnancy with my first child and this one is a little different (I've actually gotten sick, my "baby bump" is much bigger than I remember it being at this stage with baby number one, and I'm more emotional and bitter about things). I believe a lot of this stems from where I was when I got pregnant.

I had just run two half marathons in a months time and I was feeling great about my body. I was able to wear clothes I wore my freshman year of high school, I could run faster than I ever had, my lower half of my body was actually looking decent i my opinion, and I had maintained a weight I was happy with for quite a few months. Then the week of my second half came up. That was the hardest half marathon I've ever done or will probably ever do!  Mind you it was the hilliest route and one I'm not likely to repeat once I'm am running ready. But I finished with a time of 2:04 so it wasn't as bad as I thought despite my inability to have any energy, which I soon found out was probably related to being pregnant.

I went through a period of exhaustion and then nausea...all day and night. Then I had a few moments when I not only ate a meal, but got to see it again about a half an hour later. After a few months of feeling like absolute crap and thinking about anything on my plate was not appealing, I started to come around the bend and some foods started looking good again. Goodbye unsalted, boring pretzels!

Christmas came and went and about a few days later I had a bit of an emotional breakdown when I just wanted to cry because my toddler would have nothing to do with anyone but me and due to the fact that we were staying with family for an extended holiday vacation, his schedule was a mess. Crying at 3 am, and often more than once a night, refusing naps and anyone other than me was exhausting. I love my son more than anything, but even moms need a break! I was tired beyond all reason and desperately needed a good cry and some sleep. A massage would have been good too! Luckily, mom was there for me to soak her shoulder with tears and tell me it was going to be ok.

So now here we are...up to date. It's past the holiday, into the new year, and I'm home and starting to find some schedule that resembles the once-so-wonderful one that my little boy had before we left! However, as I sit here I'm bored out of my mind, despite the fact that I have a list of things that need done. My husband is in training, so I'm short on adult conversation, and I just found out he's going to Vegas for the weekend.

Some women might cringe at the thought that their husbands are going to Vegas with other men and not their wives. I have to agree I'm not happy about it; especially after I found out he had a naked stripper give him a lap dance at his bachelors party. But he assured me that he had no intention of going to a strip club this time. Do I believe him...I'm not sure, but he's honest with me, so I'm going to hope for the best. I suppose the reason I'm so bitter is not because of the possibility he might see a stripper, it's that I'm stuck at home, feeling like a fat cow with bad acne and an ever expanding belly, and I can't have a flippin drink when I'm at my wits end with three dogs and a toddler. If you knew my dogs, you'd totally sympathize!

I think another reason for my bitter thoughts are that I can't to go Vegas and have a good time like I want to. Instead I have a baby inside me and a toddler that I must look after. I'm rapidly approaching my 30th birthday and boy would it be nice to go to Vegas and live it up, but what will I be doing? Nursing a baby and trying to keep my sanity as my toddler tugs at my hand to play with his trains, and my dogs bark at each other because one of them thinks that's how you play, which then gets the other two started.

Luckily I did find out that my husband is not likely to be deployed when the baby is born, which is a new development as a week ago we thought he would. So, at least I'll have him here to help out with things, but I have to say there are days when I'd love to pack a bag, hop a flight to Vegas...or Fiji, or some warm place with a nice beach and night life, and drink and dance the night away. But, then the tug of reality sets in and I realize despite everything, I'm blessed in so many ways. I have a family who loves me. I have a wonderful boy who is the apple of my eye, supportive parents that may not be close by, but at very close to my heart, and many material things that others might not have. By no comparison am I rich, but I am rich in many other ways than money. There are many in my life who have had an effect on me in ways they'll never know. I have been molded by my experiences, and those I didn't take, and I have come a long way in life, but still have so far to go.

There are some of you who I can speak volumes to and I thank you for your continued support despite how hard it might be to hear some things or deal with my attitude.

This post, forever and a day long, ends on a good note...but let me warn you, I have no idea what mood I'll be in next time I write on here. Perhaps that jealous pregnant wife will resurface when I think about Vegas and strippers again or perhaps I'll have had the best day with my little boy and be on top of the world. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.