Fire and Ice

Each day is a new day. The sun rises and sets. Time passes, you get older, you learn new things, you forget some things, and you can reflect on things.

I remember days of warmth, days of feeling like I was wrapped in sunshine despite temperatures being below freezing. I can think of days when I felt like I'd just dove into a pool of freezing water, despite the sweat that would surely seep from my pores had I set foot outside my house.

Tonight it's cold, below freezing and I warm ray of sunshine has found it's way to me. I am reminded of days gone by that make me smile and think about how much I want something or how much I wanted something before. Yet I feel a cool breeze knowing that I am a world away from reality in my warm sunny state. I am here ready to embark on a new journey with a new life to care for, but I find myself looking back at the life I thought one day might be mine.

As I look at my reflection I see lines that age me, eyes that long for something, a body wishing it could do the things it did a few months ago, and a delusional hope that emanates from within those longing eyes. No fate is sealed when it comes to the decisions we make for the future. Everything is fluid, but there are things that make it seem as if it were rock solid. I have come to know many things that make a rock solid future seem to be my destiny. However, I tend to try to live on a cloud and float from reality into a dream. Will the dream become a reality? Probably by the time it was possible, my dream will have floated by me. I don't know what's to come of my future. I may live in Alaska and have the time of my life salmon fishing and wildlife watching with my family, or I may move home to be close to my parents and settle where my heart is.

I always cling to hope. Hope that my husband won't be deployed again, hope that I will one day be closer than 6 1/2 hours to home, hope that I will have the romantic man I've dreamed of, hope that I'll be able to hear the word endure a thousand times over and it will never get old because it's become a part of me and my life.  I don't know what my life will be like in 5 years. Will I be on the same path, will I find that this path had lead be down a lonely road or find that this road was the one I was meant to be on and that good things come to those who wait?

I have found myself thinking of my life and how things need to change...how I need more in some aspects of my life and I'll aspire to achieve it. I am willing to give anything a chance and often a second chance. I have put myself in a place I can't come back from so I must either accept it or move on. Time will tell what I can do with what I have and I hope that all works out for the best. Sometimes you get fire, be it the kind that lights a flame of desire or one of anger and sometimes you get ice. Right now I'm living in lukewarm and searching for the heat to turn up the fire that warms my heart.