Day 1...sort of

So the only reason I'm writing this is because I need an outlet for my mind. Many people like diaries or talking to others, but when most of your day is consumed by chasing a toddler around and playing trains, you don't have much time and this is my one attempt at sanity.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my second child, my husband is gone at training, which isn't uncommon for a military spouse, and I happen to be getting rather bitter about the restrictions I have placed on myself with being pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to have another child. My toddler is my pride and joy and I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world, but being pregnant is not my cup of tea.

I had a simple pregnancy with my first child and this one is a little different (I've actually gotten sick, my "baby bump" is much bigger than I remember it being at this stage with baby number one, and I'm more emotional and bitter about things). I believe a lot of this stems from where I was when I got pregnant.

I had just run two half marathons in a months time and I was feeling great about my body. I was able to wear clothes I wore my freshman year of high school, I could run faster than I ever had, my lower half of my body was actually looking decent i my opinion, and I had maintained a weight I was happy with for quite a few months. Then the week of my second half came up. That was the hardest half marathon I've ever done or will probably ever do!  Mind you it was the hilliest route and one I'm not likely to repeat once I'm am running ready. But I finished with a time of 2:04 so it wasn't as bad as I thought despite my inability to have any energy, which I soon found out was probably related to being pregnant.

I went through a period of exhaustion and then nausea...all day and night. Then I had a few moments when I not only ate a meal, but got to see it again about a half an hour later. After a few months of feeling like absolute crap and thinking about anything on my plate was not appealing, I started to come around the bend and some foods started looking good again. Goodbye unsalted, boring pretzels!

Christmas came and went and about a few days later I had a bit of an emotional breakdown when I just wanted to cry because my toddler would have nothing to do with anyone but me and due to the fact that we were staying with family for an extended holiday vacation, his schedule was a mess. Crying at 3 am, and often more than once a night, refusing naps and anyone other than me was exhausting. I love my son more than anything, but even moms need a break! I was tired beyond all reason and desperately needed a good cry and some sleep. A massage would have been good too! Luckily, mom was there for me to soak her shoulder with tears and tell me it was going to be ok.

So now here we are...up to date. It's past the holiday, into the new year, and I'm home and starting to find some schedule that resembles the once-so-wonderful one that my little boy had before we left! However, as I sit here I'm bored out of my mind, despite the fact that I have a list of things that need done. My husband is in training, so I'm short on adult conversation, and I just found out he's going to Vegas for the weekend.

Some women might cringe at the thought that their husbands are going to Vegas with other men and not their wives. I have to agree I'm not happy about it; especially after I found out he had a naked stripper give him a lap dance at his bachelors party. But he assured me that he had no intention of going to a strip club this time. Do I believe him...I'm not sure, but he's honest with me, so I'm going to hope for the best. I suppose the reason I'm so bitter is not because of the possibility he might see a stripper, it's that I'm stuck at home, feeling like a fat cow with bad acne and an ever expanding belly, and I can't have a flippin drink when I'm at my wits end with three dogs and a toddler. If you knew my dogs, you'd totally sympathize!

I think another reason for my bitter thoughts are that I can't to go Vegas and have a good time like I want to. Instead I have a baby inside me and a toddler that I must look after. I'm rapidly approaching my 30th birthday and boy would it be nice to go to Vegas and live it up, but what will I be doing? Nursing a baby and trying to keep my sanity as my toddler tugs at my hand to play with his trains, and my dogs bark at each other because one of them thinks that's how you play, which then gets the other two started.

Luckily I did find out that my husband is not likely to be deployed when the baby is born, which is a new development as a week ago we thought he would. So, at least I'll have him here to help out with things, but I have to say there are days when I'd love to pack a bag, hop a flight to Vegas...or Fiji, or some warm place with a nice beach and night life, and drink and dance the night away. But, then the tug of reality sets in and I realize despite everything, I'm blessed in so many ways. I have a family who loves me. I have a wonderful boy who is the apple of my eye, supportive parents that may not be close by, but at very close to my heart, and many material things that others might not have. By no comparison am I rich, but I am rich in many other ways than money. There are many in my life who have had an effect on me in ways they'll never know. I have been molded by my experiences, and those I didn't take, and I have come a long way in life, but still have so far to go.

There are some of you who I can speak volumes to and I thank you for your continued support despite how hard it might be to hear some things or deal with my attitude.

This post, forever and a day long, ends on a good note...but let me warn you, I have no idea what mood I'll be in next time I write on here. Perhaps that jealous pregnant wife will resurface when I think about Vegas and strippers again or perhaps I'll have had the best day with my little boy and be on top of the world. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.